-JF

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Some of you may read this tonight, and you may be struggling. You may be angry about the life you have, or the life you haven’t been given. You may be angry or lost in friendships, or caught up and addicted to things you don’t want to be caught up in anymore. You woke up this morning, wondering what’s my purpose? Where am I supposed to be, or where am I supposed to go?

I have wasted so much time in these very places. Struggling to find the inner person I was born to be. My Identity. My Belonging. Struggling to find the right words to stand up for myself, and not feel defeated and have the feeling of “I guess I am not good enough” swarm my mind, soul, and body.” I was trying to fill places and voids I could never fill as a human being. No love, no physical feeling, or materialistic object could ever come close to what changed my life.

My life has not been normal. From surviving a near deadly illness as a child, to watching my father whittle away to a foreign figure and then suddenly losing that Father at 15 to cancer. Was it hard? Yeah. Kids don’t understand. I remember being in middle school and getting laughed at because I would miss weeks at a time. Why did I miss weeks at a time? Because I watched my father puke every morning from chemo, and I couldn’t handle knowing my life was uncontrollable. Do you have any idea what its like to be bullied at school, and be out-casted, and then come home to a broken family and a dying father? Here I stand tall.

After my father died, I spiraled. Which party was I going to be at on Friday night? Which high school expectation had I not met, and how I was going to raise the bar and be cool? I remember trying countless things, things I don’t regret, but things I knew I shouldn’t have done. I wanted to be in that cool group so bad, because I looked to belong, because I didn’t like who I was when I looked in the mirror. I had to have nice stuff, and have status quo to feel like my life was normal. Senior year, I was denied to my dream university, and it just got worse. I had all these trials, and I just wanted a fresh start, and new faces. Instead I got just the opposite.

It was not until the fall of 2011 that I was shown who GOD truly was. I believed in GOD, and I went through all the motions of being a Christian, but I didn’t know the feeling of love from GOD through the Holy Spirit. I flew to LAX for my first flight. I left home, and went to the Pacific Ocean. I felt real freedom for the first time. I remember walking in the church, a friend of mine worked at when I was out there, and I felt love for the first time. Love from people who knew so little about me, but knew so much. That church saved my life. Thank you.

After coming home, and almost moving to Chicago, I was shown I was needed to stay in Nashville. Looking back I now see the signs of me having so many trials with college as I was never supposed to be there to begin with. I was still going through the motions as a Christian and thought I felt this love but I had no idea what was coming. After a semester at Belmont, feeling lost more lost, I moved back to my mothers house, and lost a dear friend/ like minded dreamer. Not only did this bring up new scars, it reopened ones from my father, and from life. Everything I come close with, and what I become vulnerable with leaves me, and I become all alone again.

I blamed God. If there was a real God, I wouldn’t be here in this position; I wouldn’t have this bad story, id be happy, content, and be able to live like I want. That summer I was in a deep depression, and wasted the time away. The end of summer I met with a friend who changed my life. He met with me, we ate, and he showed me what I needed to see, and spoke to me what I needed to hear, and loved me the way I needed to be loved. That night changed my life, because he showed me the love God could do, and how it could really impact my life if I just opened my heart up. I then began praying, whole heartedly, and getting to know God, and knowing the Love he had for me, and feeling the Love he had for me.

God entered my life the Fall of 2012 110%. He allowed me to see the signs of my real life for the first time. He gave me the courage to stand up for myself, and drop out of school. He gave me the courage to play original music in front of public, and be confident in it, and he showed me I was born to share my gifts with the world. The day I dropped out of Belmont, a professor told me “boy, you can’t make an impact in this world sitting in a classroom”. That will forever be with me. The day I dropped I won a music Showcase, and signed with a Publishing & Performing Rights Company. I finished writing songs for my album I’m recording. I sold out HardRock Café, I was in the biggest music magazine in Nashville, and now the future is so bright. Im in the Nashville circuit, and I must take a step back, and focus on my album, and do just God and I for awhile. Where will the album takes me? It could be California. It could be internationally. Or it could be music row here in town. All I know is I am ready for the place my heart is pulled to be.

Once you give your life, and trust your life in the hands of God, it all becomes the way you want it to be. I am walking proof. Matthew 6:24 is one of my favorite verses. It says you cant please two masters. You can’t please society, and God. You either please one, or the other. And society will drive you to death, and that’s where I was headed. Most of you don’t know this, but I took a Xanex everyday to live. I was numbing myself out. I’m not proud of it, but it is where I was.

I am so thankful for MY life. Do I still struggle? Yes. Am I where I want to be? No. But everyday is a day closer to God, and a day closer to helping people everyday through music, and through my story. I love you all. You guys don’t understand how much I love people. I will help anyone I can; however I can. Know that I pray for God to find you through me.

Be you. Find your god- given identity. Don’t fight it: fight society standards. Fight the good fight. Know your loved, and know you can do anything you set your mind to with God by your side.

All love,
J

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This lonely drive home, just to realize its just another night alone.
How am I gonna make it the life I want?
If the life I got just got aint enough.
Friends are faker,
Enemys are stronger,
And this life seems to be getting harder and harder.
Cannot see the future, or I cannot deny the past.
Im just chasing something that I know in my heart can last.
Help me not lead astray,
To live a life in a way that I can see.
In a life where I can have peace.
Where everyone truly seems me.
Part of a new song im working on.
- I do wanna take the time to say, ive stood up for what i believe in. What i really want to do, yet i feel like the lost kid getting laughed at, at a party, and taking that lonesome lonely walk home. That lonely embarrassing walk through a party cause no one wants you there. If you can not fit into society i believe your meant to stand out. One day ill dedicate my grammy to the kids with a lost dream. Cause theres hope. And im gonna show it to the world ON MY OWN. BY MYSELF. Cause thats who the fuck i am. Thats who the fuck i was meant to be. Ive been fucking alone for so long. From the time i was 6, my father was sick, never knowing who and what was gonna happen, and a mother working to make ends meet. I took care of myself. And thats what i’m gonna keep doing. People are fake man, fuck it. I cant keep holding on to friendships that don’t really exist. They just want friendship for the glory.

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Song written by me. All instruments played by me, all recorded and produced by me. Video shot with just me. CHECK IT OUT. Reblog if you like it!

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